


to win for you

by freezerjerky



Series: still you come around with scissors to cut me down [3]
Category: Pacific Rim (Movies)
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexual Newton Geiszler, BDSM, Bondage, GUESS WHAT IT'S WEED AGAIN, Kissing, Light BDSM, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, gratuitous kissing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-09
Updated: 2018-12-09
Packaged: 2019-09-14 14:32:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16914666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/freezerjerky/pseuds/freezerjerky
Summary: “It’s not a sex thing!” Newt remedies quickly. “It’s not like it’s some magic secret way to get me to want to have sex. It’s a control thing and it’s about a whole other level of intimacy and trust and a few of my partners had thought maybe it would be a sex thing but it’s not.”“BDSM is not always a sexual practice, yes. The few times I’ve indulged have been sexual in nature but-”“You’ve done BDSM?” Newt yelps and stares at Hermann wide eyed.“I’ve done a few scenes with a previous partner, yes, which involved copious amounts of research beforehand.”or navigating new relationships can be surprising





	to win for you

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BeneathSilverStars](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeneathSilverStars/gifts).



> This is a prequel to the other fics in the series- so you don't technically need to have read the others, but it can help. It is meant to be read in the order it is currently in.
> 
> For Silver, of course. <3

Kissing is one of Newt’s top three favorite things in the whole world. When he’s kissing someone it can be difficult to remember what his other favorite things are, even. They seem inconsequential in comparison to the joys of kissing. And when he’s kissing Hermann? Oh, that defies all of his expectations of what it means to kiss someone else. Hermann isn’t the best kisser of the scant few people he’s kissed, Newt supposes. There have been better, there’s probably better out there, but it’s earnest and passionate and sometimes they stop to laugh when they’re kissing each other and that’s almost better.

Then, of course, there’s the feelings. The new and terrifying feelings that take over every ounce of Newt’s reasonable brain when Hermann’s in the room, the way he feels a bit like he’s floating when Hermann calls him Newton or glares at him over those perfectly long eyelashes. It’s a sweetness he wishes he could write songs about, but he can only imagine what Hermann would do if he serenaded him. Run away. Laugh. Kiss him so hard they both completely evaporate, or until Hermann’s taken every last ounce of control of him. That would be too much, that would be too close to happiness and Newt isn’t sure he deserves that sort of happiness in his life.

They’re kissing now, in Hermann’s bunk, when they should be on a lunch break. They’ve brought their meals to the room, but those are sitting untouched on Hermann’s small desk as they kiss like teenagers who’ve just discovered kissing. Newt’s starting to wonder if he should ask about taking the rest of the day off just for kissing. Or maybe see if Hermann’s willing to bite his neck just a bit harder or something. He doesn’t want things to end, just the way they are, because they’re perfect like this, when they’re both so wrapped up in each other.

It’s then that the worst thing happens, Hermann reaches one of his nimble fingers out to Newt’s shirt and flicks open the first button. Referring to this action as the worst might seem harsh, but Newt feels the molten lead settle into his stomach, the feeling of dread he’s been trying to hide for so long. He has to level Hermann with his reality and hope he still wants to stay. There’s two sides to Newt’s logic here, one is practical, thinking that Hermann won’t mind or will at least understand. The other part of him wants to scream and run far away and not even give Hermann a chance to answer or decide what his answer is likely to be in this scenario.

Newt pulls away from kissing, because he must even if it’s his favorite thing in the world. Even if he’s always unsure if it will be the last time or the best time or the whatever time- his mind always supplies infinite possibilities and the reality is always something his mind couldn’t have predicted.

“We need to talk,” he begins, moving Hermann’s hand from his chest, linking their fingers together as he settles them both on his thigh.

“About?” Hermann responds and he looks perturbed but in a way that’s charming more than anything else.

“Us. Where this is going.”

“You’re not ready to take it beyond kissing, I understand.”

“No.” Newt shakes his head. “Yes. No. It’s not really a matter of ready so much as a matter of want.”

“You don’t want to take this further.”

“Well, first of all, I don’t really like to think of intimacy as a gradual scale where kissing is seen as lesser than sex because I happen to think that kissing is-”

“You don’t want to continue. This.”

“We’re talking about different kinds of want here, buddy.” Newt tries to offer him a lopsided grin. “I don’t really want anything sex-wise. Pretty much ever. But I do want to keep kissing you and dating you and being with you.”

“So you’re...not interested in having sex with me but you still want things to stay as they are.”

“And more! I’d like to do more with you, I’d even enjoy having sex with you probably. It’s just not gonna ever be a frequent thing with me and I’m not-” Newt waves his free hand. He’s trying to think of a succinct way to explain a complicated concept, one he’s been mulling over for most of his life. “You know what asexual means, right?”

“Yes, of course.”

“That’s me. I’m asexual. I’m also very into you in every way but sexually.” Saying he’s into Hermann would be reductive. He’s horrifically, multi car pile up levels of tragic in love with Hermann. “But I’m not opposed to occasionally engaging in the activity. From a scientific perspective I think it’s really interesting and I usually have a good time I just don’t experience attraction or have many urges, really.”

Hermann blinks at him a few times, hopefully processing. Newt thinks he looks adorable when he’s confused, with the awful bowl cut haircut and those judgemental brown eyes. He’s really fucked in this, isn’t he? Just not so much literally.

“So nothing has to change,” Hermann says at length. “I’m going to need some time. Not to-” Hermann pauses, clears his throat. “Not to think through what I want, just to educate myself better. To learn to be a better partner to you.”

The use of the word partner is enough to make almost anyone melt. Newt can’t help himself but lean in to give Hermann another kiss, this one soft and sweet. Kissing Hermann is, after all, so much his favorite thing that it transcends every other favorite thing he’s ever had.

 

It’s three in the morning and Newt’s beyond wound up, pacing in his room. After the kissing, they’d managed to eat lunch and everything felt exactly the same. But what if it wasn’t? What if Hermann’s mad that Newt waited to tell him? What if Hermann’s actually not interested? He could handle the rejection outright, but the idea that Hermann feels trapped by him, or unsure of what to do is enough to keep anyone up at night. He’s trying to keep himself from teetering over the edge of a panic attack and he’s not sure how to prevent this. The one grounding thing he can think of in his life is Hermann, and this is what he’s anxious over. But it can’t be helped, he thinks, slipping into his shoes. He needs to have answers now, he needs some sort of resolution to get himself out of his head.

When he makes it to Hermann’s room, he hesitates and hovers outside of the door for a good five minutes until he knocks. It’s not frantic enough to scare Hermann, but loud enough he knows that he will hear. The moment Hermann answers the door, sleep rumpled and confused, something in Newt’s chest lightens.

“Newton, it’s very early. What are you doing here?” Hermann rubs his eyes with his free hand. His hair is sticking up in about a dozen different angles and Newt thinks he’s the most beautiful man he’s ever seen in his life.

“I couldn’t sleep. I needed-” Newt pauses, searches for the word. There’s no easy answer, because he needs so many different things. Some of those things seem like a lot to bring up to someone who he just told something else private about himself. They have to wait, they will wait. But he can’t keep these secrets, these thoughts and desires, to himself forever.

“You need to sleep,” Hermann states, gesturing for Newt to step into his room.

Hermann’s room is kept in relative order, though he’s got a pack rat tendency, judging by the stacks of books on his desk. There’s a singular light on by his bed and it’s because of this Newt can see that Hermann’s in a ratty robe and plaid pajama bottoms. He’s vulnerable looking and Newt feels foolish for doubting that Hermann would still want to be with him if he’s letting Newt see him like this.

“I needed-” Newt starts again, but he’s just as desperate words.

“Sleep,” Hermann orders this time and Newt doesn’t hesitate to slip into Hermann’s small bed.

He watches as Hermann removes the robe, hanging it on the back of his desk chair before moving to the bed. There’s probably not quite enough room for two adults on the bed, but they manage with some maneuvering that mostly involves Hermann being relatively inflexible and Newt lying on his side with an arm slung over him.

“Can I talk now?” Newt asks, once the light is out.

“If I said no, would you talk anyway?”

“Surprisingly I wouldn’t.”

“Yes, Newton. You may talk.”

“I just needed some reassurance, I think. I don’t want you to think I’m trying to trick you into staying with me or something. We can still work together if you don’t want to be with me I really don’t mind.” He does mind, a lot, that his heart would be broken and he’d never recover from it, but he doesn’t mind Hermann finding happiness elsewhere. That’s sort of how being in love with someone works.

“I won’t lie and say I wasn’t a bit surprised today,” Hermann says and while Newt can’t see him very well, he knows Hermann’s eyes are turned towards the ceiling. “But I don’t expect you to change or want you to change. If I was surprised, that was on me for making assumptions. And while I have to adjust my idea of what our future together looks like, that happens constantly for many reasons.”

“Our future.”

“I suppose one could argue that our future is dubious given that at any moment it can be swept away by creatures from another dimension but yes. Our future.”

“I love you, you know?” Newt knows it’s easiest to say in the darkness, when it’s only their voices to carry them through the moment. The only immense thing in the confines of this room is their feelings for each other.

“I love you as well.”

“I want to make this work. I want to keep making this work for us.”

“Of course. I think it’s important that we talk out the things we’re feeling. Express our doubts and hesitations and wants and needs. I want you to be as open with me as you feel comfortable being.”

“And I want you to kiss me good night.”

“I think I can manage that.”

Hermann leans over and, in the dark, they bump noses for a moment, but they they find each other. It’s not perfect, but Newt feels the last of his anxieties melt away and the desire for sleep comes to him.

 

Sex is weird. It’s really fucking weird and each time Newt has it, he thinks it’s a bit stranger. It’s fun usually, kind of messy, but ultimately it’s about rubbing parts together and then laughing awkwardly in the aftermath. (He’s asked Hermann about this a few times and Hermann agrees, though he didn’t use the word weird. He got those big, dopey eyes he gets after sex and told Newt that it’s a bit “odd at times” and can be “messy.” So, it’s weird.) 

They’ve only actually done “it” a few times, once every two or three weeks since their initial discussion. Newt’s had a good time and Hermann hasn’t made any comments if he feels the relationship is lacking because of the timing. On a few occasions in-between each time, Newt’s either watched Hermann get off or assisted him with his orgasm. He really doesn’t mind, and enjoys being involved in pleasure like this. He’d be lying to himself if he didn’t admit that knowing he inspired this desire in someone else was simultaneously jarring and gratifying. The fact that it’s Hermann, who loves him and doesn’t ask anything else of him, makes it all the more wonderful.

Hermann looks even more beautiful in the aftermath of an orgasm, too, which really helps Newt’s willingness to participate. His features seem oddly softer and he’s letting out the softest breaths and he goes dopey and pliant in the most beautiful ways. Plus, he’s the most amenable to kissing in this state and Newt takes full advantage of this, kissing him tenderly until Hermann insists on washing up and then they’re back to work.

“Newton,” he pants, on one of these occasions. “Can I be honest with you about something?”

Newt reaches across the bed for a tissue, wiping off his hand and tossing it carelessly aside. “Sure, bud.” He’s getting better with this, his doubt and hesitation and insecurity.

“I feel bad about this. Sometimes. That it seems so one sided.”

“It’s not one sided. I like making you make those stupid faces and I’m sure you pay me back in other things like paying for my dinner because I forgot my wallet or telling me to go to sleep at a normal hour.”

“But still.” Hermann lifts his hips just enough to slide his briefs back up his thighs and Newt helps him with his trousers.

“Still?”

“You’re anxious, tense. This is one of the things I do to not feel tense or anxious and I feel odd that you don’t have an equivalent relief.”

“There is something.” Newt sits up. “Something I’ve done in the past, with a few people I’ve...seen.”

“Oh?” Hermann doesn’t move from his position, but he reaches for Newt’s hand, lacing their fingers together.

“I’m a, uh. I’m a submissive. Or I’ve been, for a few people.” Newt feels every year, every second of boldness seep from his body. “Nothing too kinky, mostly just taking orders, some bondage and stuff like that.”

“That’s…” Hermann pauses thoughtfully. “Not what I was expecting.”

“It’s not a sex thing!” Newt remedies quickly. “It’s not like it’s some magic secret way to get me to want to have sex. It’s a control thing and it’s about a whole other level of intimacy and trust and a few of my partners had thought maybe it would be a sex thing but it’s not.”

“BDSM is not always a sexual practice, yes. The few times I’ve indulged have been sexual in nature but-”

“You’ve done BDSM?” Newt yelps and stares at Hermann wide eyed.

“I’ve done a few scenes with a previous partner, yes, which involved copious amounts of research beforehand.”

“Did you enjoy doing the scenes?”

Hermann gives him a sly smile. “Given how bossy I am in our day to day life you can imagine that I enjoyed them immensely.”

“So you were the dom.” Newt’s shoulders sag in relief.

“Mm, yes it’s why I’m so good at telling you what to do.”

“We could try it, sometime.”

“Let’s discuss later.” Hermann finally sits up, pressing a kiss to Newt’s forehead. “I would prefer to sit down and hash this all out properly, make sure we’ve established ground rules before I start watching videos and getting ahead of myself.”

“Videos like...porn?”

“No.” Hermann laughs. “Rope tying videos, usually.”

Newt grins and presses a quick kiss to Hermann’s cheek before nearly launching himself out of bed. This could be very exciting.

 

“So I suppose we both start with what we might want out of this sort of development in our relationship, right?” Newt asks, nervously. They’re seated in the lab, even though it’s after working hours, across from each other at Hermann’s desk. It feels like a more neutral space than one of their bedrooms.

“That’s probably for the best, yes.” Hermann’s glasses are perched on his nose and he looks so charming like this.

“For me it’s about relief, not having to be in charge of my own thoughts for a bit, to know someone else can take care of me.”

“Of course. For me it is about the inverse, predominantly. Caring for someone. It also does hold a sexual component and I do find it arousing. If you are uncomfortable with that, I’m sure I can adapt.”

Newt shakes his head. “That’s not necessary.” Yet-

“There’s a but there, Newton. And it’s very important that you share that with me.”

“If you go into it with the expectation that I’m going to get off, this isn’t going to work, and I mean it. Sometimes my body reacts and I will want to but sometimes sexual release can completely throw me off the scene.”

Hermann reaches for his hand across the table. “Thank you for sharing with me.” Newt feels acutely the juxtaposition between the Hermann sitting before him and the man who had yelled at him earlier in the day about his manners at the lunch table. He loves both of them far too much to be contained.

“Don’t be such a sap, Hermann.”

“I apologize for showing enthusiasm for a man I’ve been involved with for over half a year.”

“So what have you done before? You said ropes, which I’m all for. Restraint is a big yes for me.”

“Bondage, some roleplay scenarios, minor pain play, sensory play.”

“I’m gonna give a hearty yes to everything but pain play. I’ll do spanking, but other than that I’m not here to hurt.”

“Noted. It’s not my particular favorite. What interests you?”

Newt shrugs. “I’m game for lots of things, but it’s definitely more about mind than body. Bondage, I like being given orders or even quizzed and rewarded or punished, sense stuff is a big one with me too, helps me get out of the big noggin.”

“And you will be comfortable with me touching myself during our scenes?” Hermann asks.

“Sure, dude. Have at it. If we negotiate beforehand I can even suck your dick every now and then.”

“Be serious, Newton. I will always make sure to verify that you are comfortable before doing so. And if you react physiologically, I will always ask before touching you. Do these sound like adequate terms?”

On one hand, Newt wants to tease Hermann for being so proper about this, for treating this like a business arrangement, on the other hand he’s grateful at how thorough he’s being. He’s setting ground rules before they even get anywhere near doing a scene.

“Yeah, they’re adequate. More than.”

“I would prefer to arrange scenes in advance, given our busy schedules,” Hermann continues. “But I would also like to discuss options for days when you need some release but we don’t have time to scene. When we’re more comfortable in this aspect of our relationship.”

He might be a bit dramatic in this moment, but Newt swears he has cartoon hearts floating around him. Hermann understands him, or he’s trying to. This isn’t something he can always schedule in advance, and it’s sometimes something small.

“Alright, I’ll think it over.”

“Do you have safe words you like to use?”

“Varied from partner to partner.”

“I’ve used butterscotch for go slow and taffy for stopping. Do you have any objections with those words?”

Newt mulls over the sounds of the words, the way they feel for a few moments before he shakes his head. “No, they’re perfectly fine.”

When Hermann leans in to kiss him, it takes every ounce of self control to not comment that the candy isn’t the words aren’t the only sweet thing about this moment. When he pulls away, it’s with the same saccharine heaviness on his tongue as if he’d been sucking on candy.

 

Their first scene does not go well. Newt’s nervous, which is understandable, and keeps stuttering over his lines. It’s not that Hermann isn’t an intimidating dom, it’s that he’s Hermann and Newt knows he’s a big softie who likes to be the little spoon and who keeps a drawer full of licorice candies in his desk. Calling him “sir” seems like a jarring change at first, like Newt’s going to need time to adapt.

They’ve chosen to do some very minor bondage, with Hermann fastening Newt’s arms behind his back. This Hermann is very good at, he’s careful and sweet even as he fastens the knots, stopping to test the ropes or kiss the back of Newt’s neck. For the first few moments, Newt feels cared for, secure, loved. And then Hermann brings out the blindfold. They had absolutely talked about the blindfold, agreed on the blindfold beforehand. Newt loves being blindfolded, relying on a dom to see for him, to put his trust in his dom that all will be well.

He takes a deep breath, trying to adjust. He feels like he’s adrift, even with the sensation of Hermann’s flannel sheets and the steady presence of a body next to him. He’s not grounded enough, not certain enough that he’s in the head space to give someone else this control over him. Even someone he loves very dearly. Newt’s shaking, and he’s barely begun to exhale the safe word when Hermann’s flicked the blindfold off of his face.

“Are you alright, darling?” Hermann asks, taking his face in his hands. Newt already feels worlds better.

“Yeah, now.” Newt nods shakily, offers him a smile.

Hermann makes quick work of undoing the binds letting them fall to the bed and moving them aside before he rubs Newt’s arms. They’re far from sore, it’s only been a few minutes since they’ve been tied, but the gesture is highly appreciated nonetheless.

“Lay back, I’ll get you some water.”

“I’m fine, really,” Newt responds, but he does arrange himself in Hermann’s seeming endless assortment of pillows. He watches as Hermann stands and moves to fetch his own water bottle to offer it to Newt, holding it out to him before setting back on the bed.

“Can we talk about what bothered you?” Hermann asks, and Newt finds it so strange and beautiful in that moment. Hermann who, only half a year prior, Newt had assumed only had three emotions and only talked about feeling annoyed wanted to talk about how something made Newt feel. Why he reacted in a certain way. Judging by the way he’s leaning forward, resting his hand on Newt’s knee, it’s important to him too.

“Just felt...kind of soon?” Newt shrugs, then takes a sip of the water before passing it back to Hermann. “It’s not that I don’t trust you, I just don’t trust anyone enough to start off with that right away. At least not in a first session.”

“I apologize if I suggested something that made you uncomfortable.”

“It really is fine, dude. I’ve never had a partner who suggested doing it so soon. And I’m not saying I’m never gonna wanna just go full blindfold for a whole scene, but I think we’ve gotta work up to that.”

“How did you feel?” Hermann reaches for his hand, dragging his thumb across the back of Newt’s knuckles.

“Untethered. Like no one was controlling me at all, which was scary. I do scenes to feel grounded, to bring myself into my body in a kind of spiritual way, but that just felt like it was my body and your body and a void and it wasn’t a good void.”

“What can I do next time so you don’t feel like that?”

“Just more build up before the blindfold. Or some other sensory stuff right away, at the same time. Something to remind me I’m here, you know?”

“Temperature play?” Hermann suggests. He gets it.

“Yeah! Something like that. Or just touching me, usually the stomach is a good spot. God if you-” Newt blushes deeply. This is not what BDSM was made for.

“Newton?”

“Never mind, it’s not important.”

“It seemed important to you, so it’s important to me.”

“If you blindfolded me and kissed me. On my mouth and other places. I’d like that.” He’s sure he’s red down to his chest, but Hermann only gives him a soft look.

“You want me to kiss you?”

“Pretty much always, in case you couldn’t tell, but I think during scenes it would be- combining the way I feel when kissing you with the way I feel during a really good scene would be incredible.”

Hermann smiles and leans forward to kiss him then and it’s not the same relief as a good journey into subspace, but it’s just as divine when they pull away breathless. Newt wants to capture this and keep it forever, he never wants this right to kiss Hermann to end, no matter what. No matter how.

 

Newt’s been standing at the foot of Hermann’s bed for about fifteen minutes. This is a matter of discipline, waiting for Hermann to come out of the shower, to start the scene. It helps to give him some time like this, to get into the headspace. He’d been mouthy earlier, only partly on purpose, but partly because of stress.

They’ve been doing this for over half a year now and it’s become more comfortable. The scenes are never too complicated, given that they both live in cramped rooms surrounded very closely by other people, but they work for them. Newt dares to hope of a future together when they might have a home and share this together.

He shifts a bit and, naturally, that’s when Hermann emerges in his pajama bottoms and one of Newt’s band t-shirts. By contrast, Newt is just wearing his boxers, even if the novelty flamingo print seems a bit out of place in the context of a scene.

“I didn’t say you could move, pet,” Hermann reprimands softly.

“Sorry, sir,” Newt responds, staring ahead. He’s not sure if he wants to act out a bit or not today or if he’s going to fight that urge.

Hermann circles him like he’s sizing him up, as though he hasn’t had plenty of opportunity to explore Newt. “Why don’t you sit on the edge of the bed and I’ll get you trussed up all pretty?”

Newt does as commanded, sitting with his hands on his knees to keep his pose as neutral as possible. Hermann’s already laid out the rope on the bed, today it’s the softest rope, a delicate kiss against his skin. If Hermann pulls it tight enough, it’ll still have that bite to it that any rope will. Newt craves that calculated sting and he knows Hermann almost always delivers. (And if he doesn’t? He gets it right the next time, or with the next thing.)

With a small huff, Hermann arranges his arms so they’re crossed just so behind his back. Newt’s walked in on him searching shibari how-tos online a few times and each time Hermann’s looked as scandalized as though Newt’s found him looking at the world’s filthiest porn. (As though he hasn’t walked in on Hermann watching porn as well- but in those instances he’d simply been told to come back in five minutes.) 

The knot pattern is now fairly familiar, nothing overly intricate, but it keeps his arms tethered to his torso and secure enough that he’s not going to undo the binds himself.

“Do you know what I want to do with you tonight, darling?” Hermann asks, gently patting his cheek once he’s content with the knots. It always takes a few moments longer than probably necessary, because he wants to make sure everything’s perfectly right.

“Hopefully not make me do math problems in my head again.”

“Don’t be cheeky.” He pats his cheek again, this time with the slightest hint of sting to it, but never enough to actually hurt. Hermann is always gentle with him, with his heart and his body and everything in-between.

“Listen, I’m not the expert on sexual attraction but I think you’ve actually got a boner for math-”

“Newton,” Hermann says sharply, gripping Newt’s face by his chin.

“Sir?”

“That wasn’t a recommendation, that was an order.”

Newt has to bite his tongue from being impertinent, but it doesn’t stop him. “Wasn’t aware I couldn’t speak in this scene.”

“Wasn’t aware I gave you permission to be a brat. I ought to just leave you like this.”

That’s less appealing, even though the thought of being called a brat is perfect. No, Newt needs Hermann here to help him with this. He needs him here for most anything.

“I’ll behave.”

“You’ll behave what?”

“Sir.”

Hermann smiles at him. “Be a good boy and lay back for me, yes?”

He doesn’t need to be told twice to move, propping himself up on Hermann’s pillows so he doesn’t strain his arms or lay on them too heavily. When Hermann’s content with the position, he rises and moves to grab the blindfold. Newt’s gotten better at this, letting Hermann have control sooner, letting him take over completely. 

It’s with tenderness that Hermann slips the blindfold onto his face, gently rubbing a thumb against his cheek. It’s been a rough week, though neither of them have been able to articulate it. There was an attack, there was a casualty. Well, there was many casualties, that’s the issue, just some of them have more direct heartache tied to them than others. They cannot go off and battle the evils of the world like the Jaeger pilots can, all they can do is work and love and hope and that doesn’t seem like enough. And then because it’s not enough, the anxiety piles on and it’s really far, far too much and-

Then there’s the silence of Hermann’s mouth on Newt’s neck and he feels everything down to a pinpoint of pleasure and love. There is nothing more than them and this small room and one day there may be them and a larger room or there may be no them, or only one of them, but right now they’re here and they have each other.

“I want you to count for each new place my mouth goes. If you miscount, I will stop for a minute and restart.”

Restarting sounds just fine, but the minute without is true torture. Newt knows that for other couples, punishment can seem more severe and maybe in the future when they’re a little less broken, it can be. But for now, there’s no punishment greater than being apart.

“One,” Newt exhales and there’s that smirk against his skin. He hates that he can’t see it, but he has it memorized. It’s etched on his memory as permanently as the kaiju emblazoned across his body.

“Very good.”

Hermann slips down farther, kissing his shoulder and Newt counts again, falls into the rhythm of counting. This should be easy enough, but then there’s hands on him, feather light touches, as soft and skirting as the press of Hermann’s well loved mouth on his skin. He’s forcing Newt to focus, to follow intimately the trail of his mouth across his body. A kiss above his nipple- or is that a finger? Three. Another on his sternum. Four. A press to his clavicle. 

“Five.”

“You’re a bit too eager there, you need to cool down for a few moments, hmm?”

Newt whines and Hermann pats his thigh. “You’ll be alright, darling. I’m still right here, I just won’t speak for the next minute.”

At first, he could swear this is agony, but then he realizes that Hermann’s hand is still on his thigh. They’re still connected, still touching. God, he can’t believe he’s in love with such a romantic sap. Actually, he can. It’s being in a mutually beneficial, loving, and relatively healthy relationship that surprises him. (Okay, they argue a lot and sometimes don’t talk really for a few days, but that’s because they bring work home. Newt knows if they didn’t work together it would be rainbows and butterflies and maybe only spats about Newt not putting his socks in the hamper or demanding attention when Hermann’s trying to read or do math or whatever weird hobby he’d engage in when not trying to save the world.)

He’s still caught up in his thoughts when Hermann’s mouth is on him again, repeating the exact same spots. It feels like they’re still seared through with the previous touches and he can trail them so easily, counting each with a resolute firmness, laughing when Hermann’s mouth finds its way to his stomach and he has to laugh because it tickles.

“Don’t lose track,” Hermann warns, grazing his teeth against his skin with the next kiss. “You need to focus on me and me alone.”

Biting his lip, Newt nods eagerly. The kissing really is too good, he wants to be kissed all over, every inch of his body, with a reverence reserved for holier things than human bodies. There’s the strange desire in all this to transcend and he’s worried Hermann would never understand. It’s something that seems so intimately personal to him and him alone that he can’t articulate what its meaning is to other people.

The focus is almost complete, he’s nearly full at Hermann’s mercy when he feels a fairly familiar brush against his leg. Under normal circumstances he’d make a joke, tell Hermann to go take care of that, but it’s different in this context. It’s ruining his focus.

“Butterscotch,” Newt says. “You gotta get your dick away from me, buddy. It’s distracting.”

“Apologies. I’m not sure if I can guarantee to keep it away but you have permission to tell me in the scene if it’s bothering you so we can continue.”

“It’s fine. It’s your body, which is usually pretty great. Continue on.”

The scene resumes then. Newt almost forgets what number he’d just counted to and Hermann only has to start saying fifteen to get him back on track. The kisses have trailed back upwards, towards the other side of his body in mirrored places to those where they began. Newt feels oddly boneless, like he wants to melt into the bed and stay there forever. Like nothing is wrong with the world. There’s a moment of dread when Hermann kisses his neck that this is over, that it’s all going to end too soon.

But Hermann knows better than that, he knows how to end something properly and Newt’s learning this well. Instead of stopping, he moves in for a final kiss, one that Newt cannot count, because he’s too preoccupied in kissing Hermann back. Newt knows he’s subdued because he doesn’t struggle to wiggle out of his bonds, to take Hermann in his arms as he kisses him. He knows this kiss is enough, with the sweetness and completeness that comes with Hermann’s mouth against his, the way he nudges his tongue against his mouth to ask for more. (Because he’s always asking, in words or clear actions, because Hermann will take everything he’s given but he’s always going to make sure it’s given freely. Perhaps he doesn’t know yet that Newt will give him everything without a moment’s hesitation.)

When Hermann pulls away, he gently nuzzles against Newt’s face. “My darling, my love. You’ve done so beautifully tonight. I’m going to take the blindfold off of you, if that’s alright.”

“Yes, sir.”

The room is dim upon first glance, Newt’s not sure if this was planned or coincidental, but he is grateful for how easily his eyes adjust to the new view.

“Do you need anything else?” Hermann looks nervous, like he hasn’t done enough, like Newt isn’t so delightfully pliant in that moment which is all he could have asked for.

“I’m good, babe.” He offers a lopsided grin and lets Hermann help him up to undo the binds. He’s always so gentle with this, testing that nothing is too tight, rubbing the spots where he’s left marks.

“Next time we’ll do something a bit harder if you want,” Hermann says. “Maybe some spanking or something with temperature or-”

“Marry me,” Newt says, rather abruptly.

Hermann’s head snaps up from where it’s bowed behind Newt. “Excuse me?”

“Not right now. But someday, maybe after we’ve saved the world. Marry me.”

“You’re not serious, Newton.” 

Newt turns to see that Hermann’s face is fixed in a frown, he’s disappointed in something. Newt doesn’t think it’s disappointment in being asked, though. 

“I’m very serious.” He takes a few moments to move his arms and then wiggle his fingers before he’s capturing Hermann’s face in his hands. “I want to marry you. I want to be married to you.”

“We’re very busy and it’s only been about a year and-”

“Hey, why don’t you just say yes and then we’ll talk about this when there’s no more kaiju, hmm?” Newt leans in, rubbing his nose against Hermann’s. He’s squeezing his face just a bit and Hermann has to take his arm by the wrist and pull it away.

“Yes, at some point in the future I will marry you.”

Newt grins at him and presses a kiss to the tip of his beautiful nose. “Now, I think you have an erection to take care of.”

“Newton!”

“Shush.” Newt kisses Hermann at the same moment he slips a hand into his pajama bottoms. Whoever said romance was dead is a complete and utter liar.

 

After the world doesn’t end, Newt spends the first days alternating between being dazed and sleeping. Once the celebrating was over, when he’d taken a step back and looked at Hermann stooped low and realized how much dirt and grime he was covered with, the only natural step was to trudge to the nearest bed and sleep off the entire war. (Not until after they’d showered, together so neither of them would end up nodding off while trying to wash.) 

They end up in Hermann’s bed with the comfortable flannel sheets, lying half on top of each other. This is home, Newt knows, this has become his home and now he’s not sure that he has one at all. Panic and cold dread fill him when the first few days are over, when he’s beginning to remember what it’s like to be awake. There’s still some work to do, inventorying and researching and making sure everything’s in its proper place, but he’s free. Newt can go back to teaching or become a field researcher or take a complete turn in career and become a real rockstar. There’s already a few emails in his inbox asking for interviews, maybe he can use that for momentum.

If he’s honest with himself, there’s only one thing he knows he wants for certain and that’s the one thing he can’t decide alone. Promises are easy enough, aren’t they? Following through is a bigger issue, the follow through when the promise was made when the world was a completely different thing. Just as he’s got the entire world at his feet, so does Hermann. Hermann can easily slip back home, find some new numbers that matter dearly, find someone else to spend his life with or spend his time alone.

Instead of crying about this, instead of hiding these fears, Newt has them pried out of him by Hermann himself.

“Care to explain why you’re staring into space instead of packing up your side of the lab, Newton?” Hermann asks, rubbing chalk dust off of his fingers.

“No.” Newt shakes his head. “Just thinking.”

“About?”

“The future. What I’m going to do next. Where I’m going to live.”

“I suppose you can do whatever you wish with your life but if I can be frank with you, darling-”

Newt snorts. “As though you’ve ever been anything but frank.”

Hermann glares at him for a moment before he collects himself. “I had rather hoped when you made decisions- that is after a question you asked me about a year ago I was hoping we could make this decision together.”

Oh, Newt realizes. Cool and collected Hermann has his insecurities too, he knows this now more than ever, he’s been in his head and he understands this. He also loves him to bursting.

 

They get married before they leave Hong Kong. Most of the people who matter most to them are still in the city, still finishing up from the mad dash to save the world. It’s true that there’s very few people who mean anything to either of them, but Newt doesn’t care. They put on their nicest outfits and have a small ceremony and someone’s even been kind enough to make a cake that Newt absolutely does not smash in Hermann’s face. (Though the temptation is there.)

Halfway through the reception, held in the mess hall of the Shatterdome, they both sneak off. Neither of them will be particularly missed, it’s their wedding, after all, they can do what they want. There’s a chill in the air and Newt can see their breath as they stand huddled on the roof. Hermann digs eagerly into his pocket for something.

“Thought you quit smoking,” Newt remarks.

“I did. Cigarettes,” Hermann returns.

“Do you have weed, dude?” Newt leans in closer. “At your own wedding?”

“Oh right, because my groom is so opposed to the effects of marijuana.” Hermann rolls his eyes and produces a joint he’s tucked neatly in his wallet. Newt takes it from his fingers. “Tendo gave this to me, I haven’t been holding out on you.”

When Hermann finds his lighter, Newt holds out the joint, rolling it into the flame. He takes the privilege of the first drag as well, because what is Hermann’s is his now. Legally. With no more than a few moments to exhale, Hermann takes the joint from his hand for his own hit.

“This feels more like a high school prom thing than a wedding,” Newt observes.

“I think you can make your own wedding whatever you like, Newton. No one else is allowed to say how it’s supposed to be.”

“Is that why we snuck out early?”

“Something like that.” Hermann thrusts the joint back towards Newt and he takes it gladly. “I think marriage is a very private affair at its core.”

Newt snorts. “But you’re into it. Being married.”

“It’s nice, so far. We’re only a few hours in.”

“The kissing’s even better.”

Hermann laughs and makes a motion for him to return the joint. “Is that so?”

“And maybe now that you’re married, I’ll let you bring kinky math stuff into the bedroom every now and then.”

“I don’t actually have an interest in math-”

“I’m counting. All the damn time. You like to hear me say numbers to you.”

It’s dark enough that Newt can’t tell for sure if Hermann’s blushing, but he feels it nonetheless.

“Amazing how eager you are to be divorced already.”

“Hey, do you wanna make out a bit instead of arguing?” Newt asks, because he’s really only about two seconds from kissing Hermann at any moment. (The only exception being the moments he’s already kissing him.)

“The joint-”

“If you’re seriously passing up primo kissing with your brand new husband because of some weed, Herms.”

Heaving a sigh, Hermann takes the joint from Newt and stubs it on a railing, letting it drop to the ground.

“You’re fortunate that I love you very much, Newton Geiszler-Gottlieb.”

Newt nearly melts at the use of his new name, and he’s grateful to be pressed against the railing in the next moment when Hermann kisses him until he’s forgotten that name or any other he’s ever had.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on twitter @ newtguzzler and tumblr @ pendragoff


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